I am Iron Man.
It is a crazy thing for me to write. Honestly, Iron Man is not my favorite character. He’s egotistical, self-obsessed, with no plans or thoughts for how his brilliant but poorly thought out ideas will mess up and destroy people’s lives, including his own. He’s completely independent, and refuses to play with others well, even those who would do literally anything for him. Now, I realize he’s got the coolest gadgets and is a total genius, but in spite of hilarious comments, his life is not exactly a great one to emulate. I spent the entire Marvel Universe thinking I was much more like Captain America, giving and thoughtful and a good leader who encourages and strengthens those around him. But watching Endgame again this year I realized I’m not.
I am Iron Man.
This last decade of my life was unbelievably hard. I can’t even begin to go into how much I lost, lost opportunity on, wasted thousands of dollars trying to dig myself out of, and then still got overlooked, underappreciated, and ignored in spite of my desperate attempts to make things better and prove that I’m not a completely worthless screw-up. Everything was destroyed, not once or twice but again and again. It’s no joke that my friends were actually calling me “Job” for a while there.
And through all of that, there was a lot that I regretted, decisions I missed or could have focused on differently. But what I most regret now is realizing a few months ago that through this craziness I have become the person I always hated. I have become Iron Man.
A few years ago during a ministry class, I had to write from the opposite perspective of leadership wins. I had to write what the devil would set up to mess up my plans in life. What he would do that would take me out if I accomplished all of my goals in life- be it money problems, adultery, some type of sin, or temptation or what have you, that would destroy it all. And I wrote I would work hard to make my life look perfect and end up all alone because I fought for everything in my career and accomplishments, but I never fought for the people I loved most.
The scene near the beginning of Endgame where Iron Man is yelling at Captain America kills me. He is angry and upset at Cap for not showing up to help him. But honestly, he’s the one who never called Cap to tell him to come to a foreign planet to help him fight. How could Cap ever show up for a fight he didn’t know about? Understandably, Iron Man is mad, but mostly he’s just looking for an excuse to push people away- the independent sort who will always blame anyone and anything except himself. And watching it again this year I realized that’s what I’ve done far too often- blamed others in my life for not supporting me better through hard times that they didn’t even realize were bothering me. I’ve chosen to angrily walk away from them forever, instead of getting humble and admitting that I actually needed help. I continued to fight through whatever problem was going on, but not fight through the misunderstanding that eventually ended that mentorship, that friendship, that dating relationship, and that family connection.
So, for whoever has suffered under my attempts to push you away- I am so sorry. I am putting a new effort this next decade into not just doing things well, but also loving people well. I’m starting the new year believing for an opportunity to live life different. I’m believing for a decade that looks different than the last- not just in terms of the things I accomplish and how hard the environment is, but in terms of how I react and judge and love on those around me. I’m believing to be not Iron Man of the beginning of the Marvel Universe who sacrifices everyone else for himself, but the one of Endgame who finally learns how to trust, work with, and sacrifice for those around him no matter what.