God, I cannot bear it anymore.
“I have had enough, Lord. Take my life…” 1 Kings 19:4b
We all know and most have experienced the trauma that 2020 was, on so many levels. So many things were hard to take between natural disasters, political inflammation, racial injustice, and the threat of a global pandemic. The massive losses of jobs, stability, homes, loved ones, and even just peace of mind have been unbelievable. The current death toll in the US from the virus alone totals more than most wars, not including the numbers that have been lost due to healthcare concerns, loneliness, and other complications of this year.
We all wanted to ring in the new year and assume that things would automatically get better, but of course, problems as big as this do not get cleaned up that quickly. And the last few weeks between political unrest and incredible losses due to a freak storm, have hit many with a sadness that makes you want to say- “God, I can’t bear it anymore. There’s been too much. We need your help and your intervention. Where are you, God?”
There’s been so much pain. I’ve found myself sobbing far too often because I know that we are no where close to ending or fixing any of these issues. There are so many horrible problems that seem unfixable right now. So much denial. So much hatred and anger. And the sad truth is, this has all been there for years. The things we’re now seeing- political problems, racism, independence, stubbornness, poor planning and interventions for overwhelming problems- have all been present, just not quite as obvious in the past. But I honestly thank God that he is bringing to light things that are not of him, because the only way to get to truth is to expose it to the light.
Honestly, for me, I spent a large portion of the last several years struggling in my relationship with God, saying “God you literally took away things you told me to believe! Are you kidding me right now?” But the truth is, I had to admit where I was hurting in order to be able to move past it. Pretending your disappointments don’t exist won’t make your faith stronger. But laying them down at God’s feet, choosing to stop looking at the situation, and reminding yourself who God really is, will help. It won’t get rid of the problem, but it will diminish the pain.
And the truth is, God is still good, just, fair, and still loves you. Even if you still don’t have that job. That health problem fixed. That warmth you need in your home. Answers to getting water. The salvations in your family. The political landscape improved. He’s still good. Still worth it. Still in charge. Still the best. Still crazy in love with you. That will never change.
But in addition to that, the only way to see God fully is to appreciate all that we are not. See, we’ve each got our own agenda here- we each see pieces of things- structures, racial inequalities, family unit weaknesses, school inefficiencies, and various other things and say “this is the problem, if we can just address this one thing”…. But the truth is, the real problem is much bigger than that. The problem is not that particular problem that needs to be righted, it’s about the fact that we need to get back on page with God’s agenda, not our own battle. It’s so much easier to think we’re “doing okay” or pretend it’s “not really a problem” or give empty “it’ll be fines” than to admit that we are sinful beings who are still not perfect and likely contribute to it every day. God’s got a much bigger picture and a much bigger goal than whatever one issue is wearing on our heart.
So what do we do when we see all the trauma and can’t stand a bit more of it? First, we surrender. We lay down the thing we thought was so important and vital (not that it doesn’t need to be changed, but that isn’t the only focus right now) and we focus on the real fight. The real fight is sin- sin that makes us selfish, haters, unable to compromise, unwilling to change, and puts us in need of a change way deeper than any political move, economic strategy, or medical advancement- needing a savior that can only come from God. We lay down the battle we wanted to win, and choose to work on God’s battle first.
Second, we remember. We remember who God really is. He isn’t a tyrant, angrily yelling at us about our imperfections. He isn’t an old man, sitting up in heaven completely oblivious to all we’re struggling with and unable to intervene. He isn’t hopeless, helpless, or unaware. He is God and God alone. He sees. He knows. He cares. And more than anything, He intervenes. So we pray. We fight the right battle (sin) with the right weapon (the word of God). We pray for God to bring the unrest to a conclusion, for it to change hearts first as he needs to, and then to change our circumstances. For people to be healed not only physically but also emotionally and mentally through all of this. We pray for our nation to truly be one nation under God, not one nation fighting like children for our own individual concerns and not each others.
And last, we choose to trust Him. We trust that what he is doing is the only way to get to lasting change. We trust that He is still in control. And we believe that though this wasn’t easy, it was the only way to get to lasting change. We stop focusing on all the pain and unrest and focus on the one, true thing that never changes- God is God alone and he loves us. He will never leave, never give up.
But more than that, He will not let us stay. He will not let us stay living in denial when he could free us to live in the truth and freedom that it brings. He will not let us stay living in distraction, He will bring to light what needs to be addressed and help us struggle thru the pain that that will bring. He will not let us stay fearing, denying, or hating when He can use the circumstances to change the way we view Him and thus ourselves. He won’t let us stay in the pain when we could get to somewhere better.
God won’t let you stay! For me, that meant He allowed me to get sick, to struggle, to lose relationships… whatever it took to get my focus off of myself and my battle plan. Sometimes He allows us to be in a place where we are in danger, or fearful, or near the edge, or alone… sometimes He’s going to let that happen because He knows He walks beside you and the blessing on the other side is worth more than the struggle in the middle. But He can’t let you stay when He’s knows there’s better for you there because He loves you.
Love doesn’t let you carry on in painful untruths and self-destructive tendencies. It doesn’t let you wallow endlessly in pain and regret and shame. It doesn’t let you sit on the couch alone and unhappy for the rest of your life, even if it requires you facing fears, fighting demons, and taking down the strongholds that held you. Love won’t let you stay where you don’t belong. And neither will God. Never gives up. Never loses faith. Is always hopeful. Endures through every circumstance. Love never fails.