Fire and Rain

I woke up angry this morning. Fuming at the random noises outside my window that kept waking me up, shaking my fists at my eventual alarm clock ring, and more than anything, annoyed with God for putting me in this crazy hotel. Because even more than I am annoyed with not sleeping well, I am just plain tired of the confusion that has become my life. I have spent the last eighteen months searching unsuccessfully for a job in the field I ended up in only because God specifically told me to be there. And it’s so frustrating to me to think that I did exactly what was asked of me, required of me, and sometimes more than that, and have somehow managed to end up with nothing.

But the other day I watched a Disney movie. (I’m a pediatrician, I need kids shows to better connect to my patients… Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself…) One of the songs was titled “Fire and Rain,” and it was re-playing in my head. It’s unique because it’s a duet where the two people are simultaneously singing different melodies about how different they each are, but it makes for a beautiful song. And I finally realized that was how I felt about God- like we were fire and rain. Like I had imagined and prayed for and built toward one scenario, and he looked at it, said no to everything and did the exact opposite. We were supposed to walking with each other, isn’t that how the old hymn goes? But instead, we were fire and rain- completely impossible differences- and I was being driven insane by it all. I need clarity, I need strategic planning, and a solid vision in order to make it! And instead, I get more waiting, and more time, and more nonspecific promises that will happen “sometime” in my lifetime, and what good does that do me?

   

But I stopped my ranting when I realized that a real relationship isn’t always “yes”, and “of course, my dear, right away”! A real relationship with God isn’t me knowing everything that will happen in my life and in what exact timeline. A real relationship is knowing that God loves you, that you can trust Him, and it will all work out. A real relationship brings the opposites into your life- the crazy wild partier mixed with the professional planner, the messy disorder mixed with the neat-freak. Real relationships are fire and rain: seemingly impossible and so different they could never possibly coexist but so beautiful because they bring something that the other one could never possibly possess on their own. So of course, what does God bring to the organized, always prepared, strategic planner in me? Nondescript waiting that seems to have no timeline and no goals. Because as much as I hate it, I need it. And as much as I want to run from it, accepting it is the only way to really be able to move on.

The sad truth is, far too often, I keep going on my own without God. I can plan, and organize, and structure myself into something worth having every time. But if you put me somewhere where I can’t possibly do so, it forces me to trust someone other than myself. It forces me to listen, forces me to connect, forces me to believe in something besides my own abilities and strengths. Medicine is such a great example- because regardless of how much I study, there are still always patients I see where I don’t know the answer- but I’ve learned that when I reach the end of my knowledge, the only other place to go is to God. And I wish my every day, regular life was like that too- totally dependent not on my own strategies, but on His wisdom and truth. So God keeps putting me in that unknown place that can feel so terrifying to me, but thankfully, He never gives up on me when I get there. Somehow, it’s that fire and rain that can really change the things I couldn’t have changed on my own. So regardless of how frustrated I can get sometimes, thank you God, that even when you bring the opposite of what I asked for, “you’re the harmony to every song I sing, and I wouldn’t change a thing”.

 

“May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope as you trust in Him.” Romans 15:13