Are we listening or preoccupied?

“Excuse me, do you have a minute to talk about what’s happened at Charlottesville?”

I looked up from my book to see a young blond I didn’t know standing cautiously in front of my table at the coffee shop. “Umm, are you doing an interview or something?”

“No, I just wanted to ask your opinion, if you don’t mind. I’d love to hear from someone who’s a different race.”

She sat down and we proceeded to chat about awareness vs indifference, hatred vs tolerance, and tolerance vs love. It’s interesting, I meet a lot of people from different circles, communities, and races. But that’s the first time any stranger has asked me to chat. To be fair, it was a little strange I’m sure- for her to walk up to someone she  doesn’t know and ask about something as currently charged in this country as race. But honestly, I was humbled. Because change doesn’t start with politics, or free speech, or scathing articles. Change starts with listening to someone who isn’t you, something we seem to have lost the ability to do entirely.

The church I’ve attended since college is a multi-ethnic diverse church. Diversity is one of the core goals of the movement. When you spend time with people from other places, it’s easy to get lost in the assumption that you are “color blind” and love everyone. And it’s easy to think this must be the goal; but the goal is not to ignore differences, the goal is to see past them and accept the person in front of you.

I remember sitting with my friends and talking about college majors years ago. I was choosing something unique and difficult in pre-medicine, because on some level, I wanted to defy expectations that people place on black women. My Asian friend had chosen engineering because his parents wanted him to do so in order for him to later take over the family business. My other Caucasian friend was choosing violin performance because that was her passion for the past decade and all of her training at elite workshops determined her next few steps in life. And we sat, incredulous that something as simple as picking a major was being decided by forces almost completely outside of ourselves. But that something was different almost solely because of our race. We were good friends! We knew each other’s likes and interests and majors. We thought we well understood that race was “not an issue” in our friendships! But if all you’re doing is ignoring race, all you’re doing is denying to actually get to know the person you assume you already do. Unawareness is not automatically acceptance. Tolerance is not automatically friendship. And friendship is not automatically love.

We are not all the same. To assume so is to deny the very unique qualities, experiences, and cultures that people have been raised in and driven by. Changing race discussions doesn’t start with pointing fingers, or yelling your own point of view, or pretending that there is no difference when there obviously is! It starts with getting awkward, and unsure, and walking across the room to someone that you don’t totally understand and might not completely get in a single interaction… and considering the possibility to listen with an open mind, and remember that being different is a beautiful thing.